Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Fun With Alt Text

I haven't been doing enought comics blogging lately, you say? Well, this is technically a comic-book blog, I suppose. I just haven't been reading very many comics lately. I even have a small pile of review comics accrued here from various and sundry sources: if you've sent me a comic to review in the past couple weeks, I have it and intend on reviewing it. Believe it or not, I'm actually trying to see if I can get some reviews published in more real publications, not just this dinky little blog. So, your gracious patience might just be well rewarded.

Anyway, I mentioned the DC solicits yesterday. I never go through the solicits myself, for the simple reason that I don't believe anyone cares what I would buy if I were placing advance orders through Previews. But, people seem to like it when I mock the bad comics, so we'll try something different. The following comics are comics I will most definitely not be buying under any circumstances. Find out why through the magic of alt text. It's that simple!

Batman #636

See, I told him to let go of my fucking Eggo, see? I had to do it. It was me or him, the dirty bastard. Now he's dead. Don't blame me. I told him to leggo.

Nightwing #102

Whoa! It's just like that dream I had with the half naked boys falling out of the sky ...

Batgirl #60

The Penguin always liked the ladies with the meaty thighs.

Aquaman #26

Aquagirl's personal trainer, however, is much less focused on mass than with tone. But Aquagirl always cheats on her crunches, as you can probably tell.

Doom Patrol #8

You know, John Byrne may be just *this* far away from becoming the next Dave Sim, but this is actually a pretty striking cover.

Birds of Prey: Sensei & Student TPB

Photo reference? I don't know what you're talking about...

Hawkman #36

Like I said: the D stands for Dave.

Rebirth #4

Over-rendering? I don't know what you're talking about...

JSA #69

I suppose there's a good reason why we had to get such an ... unflattering ... perspective of Hawkgirl? Oh yeah, look at the issue number...

Legion #2

Now With 50% More Nerds!

Seven Soldiers of Victory Archives #1

Who says that God doesn't have a sense of humor?

Space Ghost #3

In all seriousness, the only person who wanted to see this was Alex Ross, and maybe Al Toth, if he still cares. Seriously, I predict that 4/5 of the people who pick this up in the store to flip through will put it down once they see that it's not, you know, funny, like every Space Ghost cartoon that anyone has seen in the past decade. Why they haven't made Adult Swim comics yet is beyond me. Hell, I'd write the Aqua Teen book myself for free. You hear that DC? For. Free.


Tin Tin? No never heard of him. Why do you ask?

Sleeper Season Two #8

You mean, this is, like, a Gen-13 spin-off? Ew. I am so outta here.

Constantine Movie Adaptation

Say it with me, you know you want to, in your best ted Theodore Logan voices: Whoa.

Swamp Thing #11

The really good news is, I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to Geico.

Composite Superman Action Figure

This, ladies and gentlemen, is officially the Nerdiest Object Ever Discovered. I feel better knowing that it exists. Seriously, what kind of joke can you possibly make about the existence of this figure, that could possibly be worse than the joke played on us all by its mere existence?

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