The Hurting

Monday, August 15, 2005

If I Ran The Comics Industry, Part Twenty

This one took so much time I grew a beard.

Part Nineteen
Part Eighteen
Part Seventeen
Part Sixteen
Part Fifteen
Part Fourteen
Part Thirteen
Part Twelve
Part Eleven
Part Ten
Part Nine
Part Eight
Part Seven
Part Six
Part Five
Part Four
Part Three
Part Two
Part One

Friday, August 12, 2005

A Letter From Your Monarch

Doom regrets that he has not been able to answer his fan mail as promptly as he would wish. He has had other concerns far above the petty circumlocutions of his abject inferiors.

But now the time has come for Doom to emerge from his self-imposed exile and shine his majestic grace over the whole of creation. Those who oppose Doom shall be vanquished with swift and merciless brutality, while those who steadfastly acknowledge his superiority will be granted a place of honor within the new world order. Those who were responsible for a certain cinematic abomination which shall not be named will be dealt with in due time.

The question for today is, why does Magneto get the crossover? How many times will we see this unprincipled tyro clamber to a place of unearned prominence, only to have everything slip from his grasp? It is simply a waste of everyone’s time to see him go through the motions of pretend-conquering when everyone knows that he will simply end up a babbling mess when everything is over. He just wants the attention.

Besides, isn’t he dead? Doom realizes that he is hardly one to talk, but at least when Doom “dies” everyone knows that it is only an inferior Doombot that has been destroyed, and that the real Doom was elsewhere when the setback occurred. Magneto, however, has faced certain destruction at the hands of his simple-minded mutant foes often enough that it is simply tiresome. We know you don’t have Magneto robots, so how do you walk away from a total decapitation?

Oh yes, it was another Magneto. Simply brilliant!

At least when Doom has been killed he has bothered to think up an appropriate excuse upon his return to the land of the living.

In any event, the latest magnificent step in Doom’s inevitable takeover of the universe has sent doom far afield in search of fabled objects of mysterious power. Doom has consulted with those strange and haughty beings whom mortals know as Comic Book Retailers, but to no avail. Doom desires complete runs of US 1, Team America and Nth Man, but he is not about to pay dealer markup for such pitiful trifles! That these issues are absolutely necessary for the next step in his plan for world domination is regrettable, but sadly it is so. Doom knows these book are waiting for him in quarter boxes across the nation, but he doesn't get out as often as he would like.

Those who would heed wisdom of the words of Doom have but one simple task before them: go forth and find these issues! Render them unto Doom and you shall yet be spared his wrath.

Incidentally, is this not insanity? Doom admires the sheer temerity of such a fool.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Hey Rube

Check out my guest post over at Comics Should Be Good. I had some fun writing this - got a bit more wonky than I usually do. Had some fun. Hope it shows. This is the first time I've ever been offered the chance of writing a guest post anywhere and I had some fun - it let me break out of the format we're all used to here.

I'll be honest, I don't often go exploring the blogosphere outside of the comics corner - ain't enough hours in the day and all that. But every now and again I come across something that typefies, to me, why the internet can be so gosh-darned cool when it wants, something so unique and addictive that it couldn't have been created anywhere else.

My new find is True Porn Clerk Stories. This is pretty much what it says it is: stories told by a clerk in a porn video store. I like this lady, Ali Davis, because she seems smart and has a genuine degree of insight into the human condition. She is also fully aware of the absurdity of her everyday environment, surrounded by porn addicts and strange fetishes. I think (but I'm not sure) that she has some sort of degree in anthropology in addition to her interest in theater and the movies, so that undoubtedly helps. Based on reading her blog, I think that porn shops are the next uncharted territory for anthropologists.

But before all you comics fans get ready to roll your eyes and cringe at some of the truly pitiful cross-sections of humanity on display here, you should fast forward and read this post, dated 09/18/22.

I used to be one of those dudes who went to the comic shop every wednesday. I used to have a pull list. I used to spend a lot more money on comcis than I do now. I haven't been to a comic shop on Wednesday in quite a while. But now, whenever I see anyone else discuss New Comics Day, there will be a little circuit in my mind that clicks onto the idea of New Porn Day. Because, really, I think the similarities between the two phenomenon are simply too massive to ignore.

Or maybe that's just the cynic in me?