Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Lest We Forget

I have recently discovered the worst super costume of all time. I am honestly somewhat amazed that this bad boy could have escaped my notice for so long. It would have to have crossed my path somewhere along the line, but I probably just blocked it out. It's quite painful.

Plus, until recently, I was never much of a Legion fan. Yeah, the Legion has had some pretty bad costumes over the years, but the #1 horrid costume award has to go to my main man, Mordru.

Look at that thing. Purple tunic. Yellow Belt. Green fez with wings and an eyball.

Green fez with wings and an eyball.

Sometimes he even has green leggings as well.

I know that in recent years he has apparently got a new costume of some sort. He wants to convince everyone that he's a hip young super-villain in the pages of JSA, rocking the leather-daddy look that was so popular about five years back. But he's not fooling anyone.

But I've figured out a secret. Mordru likes to play like he's an omnipotent Lord of Chaos or some such - but I know the truth. He's really just Alan Moore.

In another ten or fifteen years or so comics' foremost real-life mage will look something like this:

And then he'll be able to fight the Legion of Super Heroes to his hearts' content.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Facts of Life and Love for Teen-Agers - Part 1

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Hurting's Weekly Out-Of-Context Mark Trail Panel

For the Week of 11/23/05


It is taking every ounce of self control to keep from touching the whole 'wood-pecker' thing... which is what Mark said last night. Ooops, too late.

(Let me use my animal telepathy to read the dog's mind: "Mark, you're an asshole. I am a SAINT BERNARD, I have a fucking FUR COAT, and here I am trudging through a SWELTERING SWAMP. When we get back to the hotel I am SOOOOO taking a crap on your pillow.")

For the Week of 11/16/05 For the Week of 11/09/05 For the Week of 11/02/05
For the Week of 10/26/05 For the Week of 10/19/05 For the Week of 10/12/05
For the Week of 10/05/05 For the Week of 09/28/05 For the Week of 09/21/05
For the Week of 09/14/05 For the Week of 09/07/05 For the Week of 08/31/05
For the Week of 08/24/05 For the Week of 08/17/05 For the Week of 08/10/05
For the Week of 08/03/05 For the Week of 07/27/05 For the Week of 07/20/05
For the Week of 07/13/05 For the Week of 07/06/05 For the Week of 06/29/05
For the Week of 06/22/05 For the Week of 06/15/05 For the Week of 06/08/05
For the Week of 06/01/05 For the Week of 05/25/05 For the Week of 05/18/05
For the Week of 05/11/05 For the Week of 05/04/05 For the Week of 04/27/05
For the Week of 04/20/05 For the Week of 04/13/05 For the Week of 04/06/05
For the Week of 03/30/05 For the Week of 03/23/05 For the Week of 03/16/05
For the Week of 03/09/05 For the Week of 03/02/05 For the Week of 02/23/05
For the Week of 02/16/05 For the Week of 02/09/05 For the week of 02/02/05
For the Week of 01/26/05 For the Week of 01/19/05 For the Week of 01/12/05

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Hanging Garden

Sometimes life is strange and wonderful. Like, flipping through the new issue of SPIN, fresh from the mailbox, I came across this delightful photo of Robert Smith, circa 1987:

This wonderful photo was taken by Andy Freeberg

Longtime readers will probably remember why this photo is so damn funny, but if you don't remember you should check out this post from last year. Still one of my very favorites...

Friday, November 18, 2005


As I am sure everyone is aware, there is no sensation in the universe more frustrating than writing a huge long post that gets swallowed up into the ether when your computer belches. So, in lieu of rewriting the post I had already written, I am simply going to throw some questions out there that have been tickling my brain for no good reason:

  • Was there a Green Lantern Corps on Earth 2?
  • Was there a New Genesis / Apokalips on Earth 2?
  • Sgt. Rock - Earth 1 or Earth 2?
  • Likewise, the DC Western heroes?
  • Legion of Super-Heroes?

    Not that these are in any way important questions, but with all this talk about the goofy old Multiverse they just sort of occurred to me. I do dearly wish that my free thoughts could be devoted to something like Hegel or 17th Century international relations, but what are you gonna do?

    If you have answers, I'll give you a prize of some sort, one that doesn't actually involve any prizes at all. An imaginary prize.
  • Tuesday, November 15, 2005

    Superman's Junk

    Every now and again you come across an artistic Freudian slip that brings previously obscured motivations and interpretations to light, in such a way as to make it impossible to ever quite look at the same stories with the same characters in the same way again. Sometimes the motives of creative people can be a mystery to themselves - look at Stephen King, who supposedly didn't see the unflattering autobiographical parallels in The Shining until many years after the book had already been written and printed. In the case of recent DC comics, or as I like to call them, "These People Really Need To See An Analyst", it seems that a recent image has laid the unflattering preoccupations of an entire generation of creators on display. To wit:

    Look at this picture. This is an "iconic" image from the recent Identity Crisis series, the first major step in the current "middle age crisis" mode of superhero books that the company has been producing. Look at how the work is designed. Look at the way the image draws your eyes in. What's the focal point? What do all elements of the design lead, inexplicably but inexorably, towards?

    Superman's Junk.

    Look at it again if you don't believe me.

    Green Arrow and Zatanna are both absorbed in rapturous contemplation. The Atom, small man as he is, looks positively afraid. Wonder Woman looks as if she would like to remain unconcerned, but is drawn in despite herself. The Flash looks surprisingly aroused - even his little wings are extra... perky. To no one's surprise, however, the two masters of sublimated S&M violence, Batman and Hawkman, are quite curious about the mysterious gravity that Superman's crotch seems to exert over everyone in this picture.

    So what does this mean? Does it mean that years of reading superhero comics has warped the brains of certain people to the point where everywhere they go, all they can think of is superhero sex? Have they been conditioned by decades of Power Girl's cleavage and Wildcat's unbridled masculinity in such a way that their arrested adolescent sex drives can only conceive of superheroes except in veiled sexual innuendo?

    These questions are bigger than any one man. But look back at the last couple years' of DC comics and tell me the sublimated sexualized conflict hasn't reached shocking levels. After everything is said and done, all this can only be leading to one thing: the world's greatest superhero orgy. This is my prediction for Infinite Crisis #7. You heard it here first.

    Monday, November 14, 2005

    Carnival of Souls

    You can take all the baths you want.

    But first, take a look at my review of John Porcellino's Perfect Example.

    PS - I should probably be upset that Arrested Development, one of the very few non-animated network television shows I actually watch, is supposedly getting cancelled. Wake me up when it gets picked up by UPN, the WB, HBO, Showtime, FX or any of the other players who would kill to have the show.

    Friday, November 11, 2005

    The Pale Horse And His Rider

    Flipping through all this crossover crap that the Big Two are churning out these days, it occurred to me that the mainstream comics companies are just high on ether. This could be seen as a bad thing if you're a fan of things like plot and characterization, but really, they need to go further in the other direction.

    When DC comes out of this Crisis thing, they shouldn't bother with any of this "One Year Later" crap. Just have every DC character die horribly over the course of the Crisis. Then start everything from the ground up the next month. And I don't mean restart Superman and Batman and all the usual suspects. Hell, no. Restart with brand new characters. This may seem drastic, but come on, let's be honest, the only interesting thing Superman's done in the last twenty years has been to die.

    I'll give them a head start by thinking up some fun new character names for them to exploit. I imagine it'll only be a matter of time before we see these guys on clothing items readily available at your nearest Warner Bros. Studio Store:
  • Mr. Betamax
  • Poncho Master
  • El Gato, Defender of The Barrio
  • The Stalin Squad
  • Samuel the Giant Bear
  • Gragox the Immortal Barbarian
  • The Endless Shoe
  • Doctor Asshole
  • Nog-O-Hide
  • Captain Jabby
  • Nutgrabber
  • Shamus O'Flatfoot, Police Leprechaun
  • Robot King Arthur
  • Dinosaur Ventriloquist
  • Bunny, The Boy With Tesseract Pants
  • The Ooooot
  • Granola Ranger
  • Bruce Power, Master of Power
  • The Inorganic Mole
  • Daisy Rage
  • Shard & Boil, Erotic Detectives, (Vertigo)
  • Young Roy & The Space Jews
  • Gritty Pete, Time Prospector
  • The Timex Men
  • Telephonez
  • MC Wacky Jack, The Hip-Hop Hero
  • Green Vinnie
  • The Ellipses
  • Space Abraham Lincoln
  • Chalk Monster Abraham Lincoln
  • Space Chalk Abraham Lincoln, the Monster
  • The Goalie
  • Mister Hug
  • The Menacing Man-Mollusk
  • Baritone Jenny
  • Mr. Male Biological Clock
  • The Sluttiest Kangaroo, (Vertigo)
  • The Busdriver
  • Rhinokitty
  • Trout-Man
  • Celedor, the Celery Lord
  • Mad Dog 20/20, the Hero With A Problem
  • The Fightin' Transsexual
  • Warm-O, Master of Heat
  • Ricardo Montalban, (Vertigo)
  • The Table
  • Manputer
  • Benzine Hands
  • The Seamstress
  • Star Landlord
  • The Purple Influenza
  • Flexy
  • Dynamanitee
  • Fido the Cat Burgler
  • Maniac Clown
  • Colonel Sweaty
  • Commie Quarterback
  • Crabbo
  • The Gargler
  • Pastrychef
  • Proust-Man
  • The Screaming Hittite
  • Foxglove the Crime Poisoner
  • The Postmaster General
  • Spinnaker the Sailing Saracen
  • Krog the Living Davenport
  • The Unctious Bishop
  • Steel Wool
  • Sticko
  • Paul the Prince of Precambrian Paris
  • The Desiccator
  • Grace Gunpowder, the Shootingest Gal in the Wild West

  • Who needs Superman?

    Tuesday, November 08, 2005

    The Red Sandal Diaries

    I don't usually work "blue", but sometimes you find a panel that just demands to be shared with the world:

    Wow. That must explain why Diana Prince is always receiving those oddly-shaped packages wrapped in plain brown paper with an anonymous return address.

    Monday, November 07, 2005

    Things Seen On TV

    During random episodes of the 1990s Spider-Man TV show, broadcast on some cable network:

  • An elderly Italian crimelord as a small infant.
  • A strange grey cyborg with lasers shooting out of his shoulders. Furthermore, no-one seems to notice the oddity thereof.
  • The Scorpion has an old man chained to a wall in his dungeon, which just happens to be off the breakfast nook in his spacious Manhattan apartment.
  • The Scorpion's wife - who knew the Scorpion was married? - is apparently mentally challenged, to judge from the way she elongates and accentuates the syllables of her speech at the oddest moments.
  • The old man keeps changing into a young man, and back again.
  • The elederly Italian crimelord is restored to his proper age due to the Vulture's shenanigans, only to make another diaper joke.
  • Spider-Man going out of his way to avoid having any kind of sexual relationship with the Black Cat, preferring instead the company of Harry Osborne. Considering that the Black Cat is well known to be fast and loose like a Vegas slot, one can only conclude that Spider-Man is indeed gay. As in he prefers the company of men.
  • Who doesn't?
  • Kraven the Hunter running around central park and crying.
  • Of all the classic Spider-Man villains who deserved to have their costume updated, Kraven is probably the only one who has never had his costume updated. Maybe it remains as a means of reminding us that even Sturdy Steve Ditko liked to hit the ether, too.
  • Kraven is apparently married to a werwolf woman.
  • Man, Spider-Man likes to point out the obvious, doesn't he? This isn't really the cartoon in particular, he always was a walking font of expository dialogue.

    I believe I can fly, /
    I believe I can touch the sky, /
    I think about it every night and day, /
    Spread my wings and fly away.