Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Nothing Personal, Just Business

Spider-Man should just shit or get off the put re: pulling the skin off peoples' faces with his super sticky powers.

It's not that Batman needs to get laid, it's that he gets laid too much. He needs to disentangle sex from violence in order to once again enjoy either.

If Superman were a sexual predator, we'd never know.

It's long established that the Hulk's favorite food is beans. What would happen if the Hulk ate so many beans that, upon reverting back to Bruce Banner, his stomach burst?

Hawkman is the most boring character ever, and he is only made worse by the fact that literally every Hawkman story for the last decade has been about his boring-ass origins.

I've got a theory - maybe I've said this before? - that there is a third criteria for being a Green Lantern, besides fearlessness and honesty: average or below average intelligence. Think about it: there's no real officer corps in the Green Lantern Corps, it's all about carrying out orders in the least imaginative way possible. Thinking outside the box makes you Sinestro.

No fight with the Flash should ever last longer than two seconds. They shouldn't even last long enough for the villain to even finish a complete sentence.

The Martian Manhunter is always cooler in theory than in execution.

Hawkeye's only real attribute is being a dick, but dammit if that doesn't get the job done.

People are often incredulous about Wolverine being such a ladies man - he is a smelly slob, after all - but in actuality Wolverine is probably the greatest lover in the Marvel Universe. Think about it.

Deadpool used to be awesome when he wasn't so popular and only showed up very occasionally in other books. Now he's still awesome but you feel guilty for saying so out loud.

Zatanna just isn't very interesting as a headliner, but that might be as much to do with Paul Dini's lackluster scripting on her solo material as anything else.

Ghost Rider is fucking radical.

Cyclops . . . eh. No one cares!

The Silver Surfer is the best superhero ever.

Of all the members of the Justice League, Green Arrow probably masturbates the most. That's probably why he can't keep his relationship with Black Canary intact - he never remembers to erase his browser history.

Here's a good way to make Wonder Woman interesting again: have a story where she smiles. It's such a simple idea!