Monday, May 30, 2005

Doctor Doom’s Mailbag

Doom takes pride in answering all of his personal correspondence.

Dr. Doctor Doom,

I’ve been wondering for many years – how did you acquire the title of "Doctor", which requires a PhD, if you were expelled from Empire State University after your lab exploded during an attempt to contact the netherworld?

Curious in Chronopolis

Dear Curious,

While usually Doom would upbraid an underling for such impertinence, this is a recurring question, so for once he will deign to answer. You are correct in your apprehension: the fools at Empire State did not recognize his absolute genius, so he was indeed asked to leave before his desired studies were complete. But ultimately it turned out for the best, as he had quickly reached the limits of what I could learn in such a torpid intellectual environment. Doom’s mind is matchless, and once he had absorbed what pitiful scraps could be gained from an association with that wretched university, he was only too happy too leave. Doom’s studies were ever destined to lead him into the harsh and deadly realms of outer experience – subjects which certainly do not appear on the syllabus of any accredited university!

But in terms of his actual title, Doom earned his PhDs from the fine folks at the University of Phoenix, whose distance learning programs allowed Doom to complete his proscribed studies in Astrophysics and Advanced Mechanical Engineering without leaving the comfort of his castle. Also, although it is not commonly known, Doom possesses an MA in English Literature, meaning that he is qualified to teach literature and composition at most high schools and community colleges, should the need occur.

Dear Doom,

Have you been reading the “Infinity Crisis” lead-ins? As someone who’s been involved in a number of crossovers, I wonder what your opinion on the series so far has been.

Wondering at Wundagor

Dear Wondering,

Doom has indeed been following the events of the “Distinguished Competition’s” latest crossover, and he is singularly unimpressed.

The most impressive feat these books have achieved is managing to turn the beloved Batman into the worst villain in the DC Universe. How many “contingency plans” has Batman created, only to see them blow up in his face? How many times have his arrogance and disdain caused death and destruction? There is an old American saying, “with friends like these, who needs enemies?” While Doom usually shies away from common colloquialisms, it is definitely appropriate in this instance. Were Doom a resident of the DC Universe (and believe him when he says he is most grateful not to be), all that would be necessary to defeat those fools in the Justice League would be to stand back and allow Batman to sow chaos and dissention in their own ranks. Considering that he is indirectly responsible for the Blue Beetle’s death, it is surprising that Superman has not already ripped his head off at super-speed and thrown his twitching Bat-corpse into the sun. It is what Doom would do, were he in that situation.

Doom read the first issue of the Return of Donna Troy series and got a serious migraine for his troubles. He would almost swear that the issue was written in a foreign language, for all its inscrutability. Doom is without a doubt the most intelligent person in the universe, and yet even he could not decipher just what is happening – do his eyes deceive him, or is this a follow-up to the execrable War of the Gods crossover from 1991? The only thing worse than that would be if the big villain turned out to be Monarch.

Dr. Doom,

I’m wondering what your thoughts on the forthcoming
Fantastic Four movie are.

Querying in K’un-L’un

Dear Querying,

Doom has seen the preview and seen an early draft of the script. Suffice it to say that the liberties taken with my origins are inconceivable, and have earned the filmmakers the personal attention of Doom.

That Doom would ever consent to work alongside Richards for any reason, or that his Eastern European accent has been conveniently dropped, are bad enough – but that doom should need the aid of any artificial “super powers” is unconscionable. Doom is a self-made man, and he needs nothing except his own indomitable will and peerless intellect. Even Richards, still far Doom’s inferior, was only ever to achieve what limited progress in the sciences that he had achieved as a result of his secret manipulations of his own brain with his elastic powers. Why else would a fool unable to even properly shield a space rocket suddenly gain the ability to create interdimensional portals and sophisticated chemical compositions such as the so-called “unstable molecules”, if he had not artificially boosted his own brainpower with his silly stretching abilities? What little he has achieved would have been impossible without these enhancements, while Doom’s faultless brilliance has never been boosted by anything more than hard work and diligence.

Examine the record: Richards has never actually bothered to build his own time machine, being content to merely steal mine. Richards has never been able to cure his friend Ben Grimm of his horrid condition (even going so far as to deceive Grimm when he learned the true cause of his mutation during the first “Secret War”), whereas Doom was able to cure Sharon Ventura’s similar condition in the space of an afternoon. If he is as smart as he claims, Richards could easily rule the planet, and yet to date he has only been able to occasionally meddle in the affairs of his betters, creating occasional setbacks but ultimately failing to do anything more than maintain the abysmal status quo of his unfortunate nation. Even the Leader, for all his useless arrogance, was able to accomplish more with his Arctic Coventry . . . even a dilettante like Tony Stark has been able to effect more of an influence on the technological advancement of the human race. Richards is a tyro, and it shall be Doom’s greatest pleasure to finally prove his matchless superiority before the audience of the world.

What was the question? Oh yes, the movie . . . well, leave it be said that Doom is hardly holding his breath. The fools could not even get Grimm’s brutish brow-ridges correct, so I should not be surprised that they would be unable to properly translate the majesty of Doom to the silver screen.

But, much to his surprise, Doom was impressed with the trailer for the forthcoming adaption of C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - it looks as if it will go a great way towards erasing the unpleasant memory of the abominable BBC production from Doom's memory. Perhaps they will also escape the slightly soggy sensation which accompanied the viewing of Peter Jackson's imperfect Tolkein adaptions.

Bah! Doom has answered enough questions for today! Enjoy your holidays whilst you can, Americans, for soon you shall all bow before the indescribable might of Doom.

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