Flipping through all this crossover crap that the Big Two are churning out these days, it occurred to me that the mainstream comics companies are just high on ether. This could be seen as a bad thing if you're a fan of things like plot and characterization, but really, they need to go further in the other direction.
When DC comes out of this Crisis thing, they shouldn't bother with any of this "One Year Later" crap. Just have every DC character die horribly over the course of the Crisis. Then start everything from the ground up the next month. And I don't mean restart Superman and Batman and all the usual suspects. Hell, no. Restart with brand new characters. This may seem drastic, but come on, let's be honest, the only interesting thing Superman's done in the last twenty years has been to die.
I'll give them a head start by thinking up some fun new character names for them to exploit. I imagine it'll only be a matter of time before we see these guys on clothing items readily available at your nearest Warner Bros. Studio Store:
Mr. Betamax Poncho Master El Gato, Defender of The Barrio The Stalin Squad Samuel the Giant Bear Gragox the Immortal Barbarian The Endless Shoe Doctor Asshole Nog-O-Hide Captain Jabby Nutgrabber Shamus O'Flatfoot, Police Leprechaun Robot King Arthur Dinosaur Ventriloquist Bunny, The Boy With Tesseract Pants The Ooooot Granola Ranger Bruce Power, Master of Power The Inorganic Mole Daisy Rage Shard & Boil, Erotic Detectives, (Vertigo) Young Roy & The Space Jews Gritty Pete, Time Prospector The Timex Men Telephonez MC Wacky Jack, The Hip-Hop Hero Green Vinnie The Ellipses Space Abraham Lincoln Chalk Monster Abraham Lincoln Space Chalk Abraham Lincoln, the Monster The Goalie Mister Hug The Menacing Man-Mollusk Baritone Jenny Mr. Male Biological Clock The Sluttiest Kangaroo, (Vertigo) The Busdriver Rhinokitty Trout-Man Celedor, the Celery Lord Mad Dog 20/20, the Hero With A Problem The Fightin' Transsexual Warm-O, Master of Heat Ricardo Montalban, (Vertigo) The Table Manputer Benzine Hands The Seamstress Star Landlord The Purple Influenza Flexy Dynamanitee Fido the Cat Burgler Maniac Clown Colonel Sweaty Commie Quarterback Crabbo The Gargler Pastrychef Proust-Man The Screaming Hittite Foxglove the Crime Poisoner The Postmaster General Spinnaker the Sailing Saracen Krog the Living Davenport The Unctious Bishop Steel Wool Sticko Paul the Prince of Precambrian Paris The Desiccator Grace Gunpowder, the Shootingest Gal in the Wild West
Who needs Superman?
