Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Prospective Plots for Season 7 of Mad Men

Don goes to an AA meeting, meets insult comedian Don Rickles.

Roger invests in an aluminum siding firm owned by an army buddy.

Peggy befriends a lonely baby squirrel she finds in the park.

Bert farts loudly in a meeting but no one says anything about it.

Don buys a catamaran.

In California, Pete joins a cult.

Bobby accidentally hangs himself while his family watches the moon landing downstairs.

Roger distributes an extremely detailed homemade newsletter rating the best pizza in New York.

Ted kills a man with his car on the 405.

Someone is leaving mystery cookies on everyone's desk at SC&P.

Chuancey returns, Don adopts him.

After being hospitalized for food poisoning, Joan has a religious vision while under painkillers.

Peggy ghostwrites an episode of The Banana Splits.

Stan breaks his back playing a pick-up game of football. While convalescing at home, he befriends his elderly nurse.

Sally runs away to Hoboken.

Dawn writes a first-person account for Ebony of her experience as a black woman working at SD&P. Realizing they can't fire her, the partners grudgingly promote her.

Joan buys into a time share in Florida.

When an exterminator visits to try to find a rat stuck in the walls, he finds Lane's diary hidden under the floorboards. It's hundreds of pages of drawings of boobs.

Roger accepts an offer to teach a course for NYU's MBA program. He has an affair with a precocious female student.

Don slips and falls on ice outside his apartment, spends the entirety of the season on crutches.

Megan is apparently murdered by a hippie cult in Laurel Canyon. But then she wakes up from a bad dream and AMC runs the phrase "#psych" across the bottom of the screen.

Howard Stark comes to SC&P to solicit a new ad campaign for Stark Industries. Meets Roger in the hallway and they stare uncomfortably at one another for a full minute.

Aliens land in Central Park in the opening moments of the new season and the show becomes science fiction survival horror for the remainder of its run.

Betty "accidentally" stabs Henry in the arm at the dinner table.

Harry's toupee blows off at a baseball game with clients and he comes into the office the next day with a shaved head.

Ted learns to play guitar.

Chauncey returns, conspires with Don to destroy Duck Philips. This is the show's endgame.

Peggy returns from a brief Roman vacation with an Italian husband.

As a result of treatment for chronic diarrhea, Bert becomes addicted to laudanum.

Pete is hired as an extra for the movie Cactus Flower.

The firm hires a new copywriter fresh from a tour in Vietnam. He eats nothing but ice cream and becomes progressively fatter over the course of the season.

Joan is reunited with a long-lost brother.

Peggy receives a mysterious package in the mail containing Oingo Boingo's Dead Man's Party and nothing else.

Trudy lets a hobo move into her garage in exchange for yard work. She does not immediately recognize that the hobo is Paul Kinsey.

Don begins collecting model trains.

Ken buys an expensive suit with his bonus.

Harry quits the firm to accept a job offer from NBC to become an advertising director. He makes twice as much at NBC as he did at SC&P.

In the show's final moments, the show fast-forwards through Bobby's life. We see him become completely estranged from his father. He legally changes his name, goes to college to study chemistry, and moves to the American southwest. After some initial success he leaves the private sector to become a high school chemistry teacher. In the very last scene, he receives a diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer just a day after his 50th birthday.

Pete sees a man in a crowd he thinks he recognizes from college. He follows and cannot find the man.

Betty becomes involved in her neighborhood watch.

Ginsberg gets a Jheri curl.

Don finds a copy of Being and Time in the back of a taxi.

Chauncey returns carrying a litter of puppies in a basket between his teeth. Everyone in the office gets to take one home.

Bob successfully lands the firm a meeting with Mars Candy, but neglects to tell anyone that he's allergic to chocolate.

Sally runs away to the Woodstock festival. Don follows after her, and they reunite in the middle of the field on Monday morning during Jimi Hendrix's performance of "The Star Spangled Banner." Meanwhile, Henry loses in his attempt to convince Governor Nelson Rockefeller to send the National Guard to Yasgur's farm.

Roger begins frequenting the gym at his country club.

While attending a matinee showing of Midnight Cowboy, Peggy trips in the dark and splits her skirt.

Bert is distraught after his favorite deli closes.

While tracking down Midge Daniels based on her last known address, Don is caught up in the Stonewall Riots. He sees Sal behind the police line before being hit in the head by a brick. He awakens confused in the hospital and only answers to the name Dick.

On the day after his 18th birthday, Glen runs into Betty at a gas station near their old neighborhood. They rent a room at a hotel room and he loses his virginity. Later, she packs a suitcase and leaves Henry.

Megan becomes involved with an aspiring director in Los Angeles, but their relationship falls apart after he is hired by the LA office of SC&P to direct commercials.

Ted comes down with insomnia. He begins listening to late night radio in the garage and falls in love with the voice of the graveyard shift DJ on the rock & roll station.

Don is called for secret consultations with Ted Kennedy following the Chappaquiddick accident. Don advises Kennedy against running in 1972.

Gene sees a news report about Charles Manson and begins having terrible nightmares.

Roger is pulled over for a DUI after knocking over a dozen mailboxes on a trip to Long Island. He hires a driver.

Bert becomes convinced that the moon landing is a hoax.

After he falls in love with a female pediatrician he meets at a bar, Pete begins volunteering at the local children's hospital.

Peggy's mother dies and she receives an unexpected inheritance, which after some deliberation she gives to Catholic charities.

Bobby gets his first girlfriend. Betty sabotages their relationship.

Joan and Roger have to spend the night in their car after being caught in a blizzard on the way back from a meeting in Buffalo. Joan confesses that she truly loves Roger but could never marry him because he is inherently undependable, but Roger falls asleep in the middle of the conversation and does not hear her declaration.

Sally insists on going to the city on September 26th in order to buy Abbey Road the day of its release. Don asks her, "didn't we already do a Beatles episode?"

On a vacation in Northern California, Duck is murderered by the Zodiac killer.

Chauncey returns, can now speak. He gathers all the employees of SC&P and proceeds to tell them the meaning of life. Roger breaks down in tears and pledges himself to the service of the Lord.

Don befriends a lost ten-year-old he finds wandering Park Avenue after being separated from his parents. The child is on vacation from St. Louis, MO. After an afternoon of looking, Don reunites the child with his parents and is inspired to quit drinking and turn his life around after seeing the look of joy on the child's face. That child grows up to be famous American author Jonathan Franzen.

Peggy accidentally starts a new dance craze.

Bert romances a widow.

Ted is knocked out in an alley and wakes up in Argentina.

Freddy Rumsen is hired to fill Peggy's old position after her promotion. He quickly becomes fast friends with Jim Cutler, who secretly enjoys attempting to trick Freddy into falling off the wagon.

The final scene is set in the present day. An aged Peggy, accompanied by an unfamiliar man, arrives at the home of the middle-aged Sally. Peggy is welcomed into the house and escorted to a quiet apartment in the rear. In this apartment an elderly Don sits in a wheelchair facing the television. There is an Apple commercial on the television, and Don is scrutinizing the advertisement, although it is unclear whether or not he understands what is happening. After a moment he spots Peggy standing in the doorway. He slowly motions her over to his chair, a vaguely contended smile creasing his parched lips. They embrace. She reaches into her bag and pulls out a book - we see the cover art, a company photo of SCDP circa 1967. The book's title is MAD MEN: MADISON AVENUE IN THE SIXTIES, written by Margaret Olson-Rizzo. Don takes the book in his hands, squints to read the title, and smiles weakly. It is again unclear whether or not he understands the significance of the object. Peggy tells Don that her book has been optioned by a cable network to possibly become a TV show. She motions to the man standing behind her, who steps forward to shake Don's hand. She introduces him as Matthew Weiner, the show's prospective producer. Weiner offers his hand to Don. Don hesitates, then takes the hand. He begins to giggle, at first softly and then uncontrollably. He looks happy. He shakes Weiner's hand vigorously and unleashes a giant shart in his adult diaper. The echo of the blast echoes through the house as the show fades to black.

Chauncey returns. The sky turns red and the moon disappears. Rivers and oceans are clogged with blood. The earth splits and a horde of demons pour forth from the bowels of the earth, killing or torturing every human they meet. The great devil-lord Belial rides a fiery dinosaur through the streets of New York. Chauncey appears before his demon master clutching the limp body of Don Draper in its jaws. Belial impales Don on his satanic trident and cackles with infernal glee as Don stares dully at the fallen angel gloating over his dismemberment. Belial screams, "Through your weakness all men are judged, and through your weakness all men are punished!" The demon horde covers the earth as the Epoch of Man comes to a end. Humanity dies in an orgy of torture, rape, and annihilation.

Betty takes a night class at the local community college.


googum said...

I think you forgot to add "With sexy results" to the end of each one.

(I've never watched Mad Men, yeah. What, people were horrible back then? And they drank? Shocker! Stop the press!)

Anonymous said...


Almost as good as your "Batman of Earth 7" dream. (That's high praise, indeed!)

timoneil5000 said...

Man, I was just thinking about that the other day. That was a fucked-up dream.

I don't know if people believed it was a dream, but honest-to-Gosh it sure was.