Requiem for a Lightweight



You know, it doesn't really matter that Bill Richardson's platform reeked so strongly of mewling DLC anti-populism, there's still something a bit sad about the fact that he was unable to gain any traction. Just listening to him during the debate last Saturday reel of his voluminous list of accomplishments, it was a little bit surreal, to realize someone with all those wonderful qualifications couldn't get arrested for dog catcher of East Podunk. Richardson is one of the least sexy candidates I've seen since the heyday of Dick Gephardt's quatriannual exercise in 0.5% futility. But does the fact that he is probably the most qualified candidate from either party mean anything, or were people not even paying attention?

I like Hillary, I really do. I don't care if she's one of the DLC's mainstays, I don't care about "dynasties" - dynasties work pretty well for Southeast Asia. Can't we at least try to aspire to India? I notice that Hillary's idea of semi-formal wear usually revolves around some kind of Nehru jacket, so it's obvious she's aware of the connotations. Her rather eclectic clothes send a very clear message to the electorate: if you vote for me, I will promise not to drink my own urine. Mike Huckabee, however, probably starts every day with a big tall glass of man pee.

I like just about everything John Edwards says but I can't muster up any enthusiasm for the man himself. I look at Edwards, and I think, is it even possible for a Muppet to get flop sweat? I want to see the man who has his hand up Edwards' ass.

McCain - why does nobody else seem to notice the slurring and the palsy? I mean, besides the fact that he's one of the most despicable figures in the entire spectrum of American politics. The man is 72 years old - he'd be one or two years older than Reagan was. And honestly, exaggeration aside he really does seem like he's slowing down: whomever in the GOP wants to see McCain go the long haul in a torturous months-long general election campaign must really like the spectacle of old men embarrassing themselves. And I know that the bread & butter GOP voter really likes voting for surrogate Daddy figures, but seriously, if McCain is your daddy than your mom is some weird trophy wife who had no problem having sex with a senior citizen in order to inherit some huge fortune. So, basically, McCain's natural constituency is Tony Randall's kids.

(And seriously, just how despicable is John McCain? People used to think he had conviction. Then he got railroaded by the Bushes in North Carolina in 2000 in the dirtiest election in recent memory. I mean, seriously, race baiting and everything. And what did he do? He rolled over on his back to let W. rub him on the tummy like a good little Golden Retriever. At this point, about the only good thing I can say about the man is that he doesn't seem to reflexively loathe his Democratic colleagues and opponents. It was notable at the midpoint of Saturday's debates that he was pretty much the only Republican who didn't act like a deer in the headlights when they brought out the Dems to shake hands and say hi. But if the best thing you can say about a candidate is that he is halfway to meeting the bare minimum of being a decent human being, well, shit, you got problems.)

And good old Mitt? He's the absentee dad who makes his kids call him "Sir", and only really speaks to his children on holidays when he gets a few bourbons in him and starts complaining about how much a disappointment they all are because nobody wanted to follow in his footsteps with the family business. The family business is probably asbestos or something else that causes cancer. Then he gets blind raging drunk after someone mentions whichever kids daddy disowned because they moved to San Francisco or whatever, breaks his glass over the fireplace mantle and threatens to break his his wife's back with the fire poker. I have known many Mormons in my life and they are all really nice people, but Jesus Christ would I not want any of them to be President, ever. If you went to high school with me, nod your head sadly.

So yeah - give me Hillary. When it comes to the President, I want to vote for someone who looks like they could break walnuts by staring hard enough. I'll say one thing for her: she's got more will than Bill does. I anticipate that if she gets elected she will be a centrist Margaret Thatcher. The only saving grace for this formulation is that the center has moved slightly towards the left in the last few years. There really isn't anything that liberal-progressives can get too excited about, but hey, maybe she could stab Justice Scalia at some kind of state function? Rip his liver out during the State of the Union and pass it around to the party leaders so they could absorb his power?