Monday, June 13, 2005

Doctor Doom’s Mailbag

Doom takes pride in answering all of his personal correspondence.

Dear Doom,

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the European Union, and in particular whether or not Latveria is considering joining. My own country is facing a vote on whether to ratify the new EU constitution shortly and I was wondering if you have an opinion on the matter.

T.B., London, England

The European Union is essentially superfluous to the national goals of Latveria. Our country prides itself on being economically, politically and socially self-contained, and would under no circumstances welcome the degree of outside meddling mandated by ratification of the numerous treaties which compose the legal backbone of the Union. The national prerogatives of Latveria differ from the supposed "mainstream" of European thought on matters of political expression and individual liberty to such a degree that no level of cooperation in matters of pan-European destiny could be considered desirable if it came at the cost of Latverian self-determination.

Under the graceful stewardship of Doom, Latveria successfully resisted the entreaties of both the Warsaw Pact and NATO, remaining neutral throughout the bulk of the so-called "Cold War". Our participation in diplomatic entities such as the United Nations is wholly dependent on said entities' willingness to allow Latveria its rightful manumission from the tyranny of international intrigue. The proud people of our country do not wish to be enmeshed in the endless, futile struggles for world domination waged by international conglomerates in the name of "globalization": Latverians do not need "broadband" Internet access to decadent international entertainment programs, not when the will of Doom endows the single greatest lending library network in all the world. Within the borders of Latveria there is a copy of The Aeneid for every man, woman and child of reading age - what more does an educated populace truly need?

But to return to your question, Doom is perpetually amused by the attempts of lesser nations to form secure economic partnerships. All such alliances are destined to crumble. One day the pitiful bureaucrats in their national capitols shall know the folly of subservience to any ideology save the will of Doom. The European Union as it stands now is ultimately a chimera: the only true and profound union of nations possible is the union of all peoples under the banner of Doom. Only then shall all national, racial, religious, economic and evolutionary differences be liquidated, and a true society of utopian equality be created. Of course, many will inevitably die in the coming wars, but it is a small price to pay for absolute peace and prosperity.

Dear Doctor Doom,

As you are undoubtedly aware, an interstellar war currently rages between the planets Rann and Thanagar. In your studied opinion as an individual of cosmic eminence, which side do you think will emerge victorious?

Yer Pal,
Mogo, Mogo

After a cursory examination of both sides in this infernal conflict, it is the studied opinion of Doom that neither side shall emerge victorious. The circumstances are such that continued conflict can only precipitate the utter desolation of both races.

The Rannians are fools and cowards. Their greatest champion is an Earthman named Adam Strange who possesses no more than average intelligence or aptitude, and yet is somehow regarded as a significant factor in the outcome of major interplanetary conflicts. Despite their supposed scientific prowess, the men of Rann have allowed their indolence to weaken them until they are, currently, unable even to rally the appropriate will to repulse an alien population.

But however fierce they may seem in contrast to the insipid Rannians, the Thangarians are ultimately no more imposing. The winged reprobates may seem fierce, but ultimately they are easy prey to demagogues and hierophants who wish to exploit their pliable, aggressive natures. The fascistic nature of the Thangarian state renders them rife for institutional instability such as factionalism, sectarian division and civil war should fighting continue. These factors will render them incapable of crushing even the puny resistance offered by the decadent Rannians.

Ultimately, even an observer of less savvy than Doom should be able to see that this conflict is only a diversion - a feint - on the part of an unseen third party who will turn the fighting towards their own purposes. Both Rann and Thanagar are being played for the proverbial patsies, and Doom commends the ingenuity of whomever emerges from the wreckage to claim victory.

(As an aside, it is extremely worrysome to Doom that the forces of both Rann and Thanagar seem to be physiologically identical to Earth. The odds of multiple races arising across the galaxy with identical bipedal Caucasoid characteristics are simply uncanny. Adam Strange is especially loathsome for undertaking sexual relations with one of the Rannian aliens. Do we even know what sort of reproductive system they use? Perhaps they are egg-laying creatures, which would imply that Strange is an individual of remarkably deviant sexual appetites.)

Dr. Doom,

In your long career as a super-villain, you've encountered Doctor Strange many times. Why do you suppose that, despite his unbelievable coolness, Doctor Strange is chronically unable to support a solo series? I'll bet it's because his origin needs to be updated to bring it more in line with something you'd see in a derivative action movie.

J.M.S., Outer Space

Bah! Stephen Strange succeeded to his role as the Sorcerer Supreme of the Earth dimension only through luck and guile. Any fool could be Sorcerer Supreme with access to the library of mystical tomes and artifacts that the Ancient One possessed. But was Strange's mother an incredibly powerful Gypsy sorceress who was able to pass her great acumen to her only son? Was Strange able to complete his mystical training without access to the greatest forbidden libraries on the planet, instead relying only on his own peerless instincts to guide him through the perilous realms of outer experience? No, Strange had a wrinkled old man to hold his hand. Squirrel Girl could have a decent go at becoming Sorceress Supreme if she had the Eye of Agmotto and the Book of the Vishanti at her ready disposal.

Surely the reasons for Strange's perpetual inability to hold down a solo title are easily explained: the readers know better. They would much rather read the monthly adventures of Doom, and until they receive this they are choosing to boycott any faux Sorcerer Supreme titles. But soon, once his plans come to fruition, Doom shall assume his rightful mantle as the mystical master of this world, and all shall bow before him. It is only a matter of time.

And as for origins being changed to more reflect the whims of Hollywood, Doom shall note that almost every significant retcon of the past two decades has been eventually reversed. Do you recall when it was strongly implied that Doom was actually half-brother to the hated Reed Richards? No? Well, neither does anyone else. In another six months, Strange's new origin will be as fondly - and as frequently - remembered as Highlander 2.

Yo Doom,

First Come, First Served was tight, yo. When you gonna come with another joint? I just wasn’t feelin’ that 'Black Elvis' shit, dawg.

Yer Homie,
MC Bitchnutzz, Da Hood

I think you have me confused with someone else.

And on that note, dear reader, Doom wearies of this unceasing avalanche of idiocy.

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