Wednesday, October 01, 2008

The 50 Things That Every Comics Collection Truly Needs, Part 1

1. Wolverine #75

Wolverine gets totally PWNED by Magneto at the end of the Fatal Attractions storyline, getting all the metal sucked out of his bones just like he was being fellated by a giant magnet thing. We get to see Logan pop his BONE CLAWS out of his wrist for the first time, all bloody and covered in goo. Man, I bet Jean Grey would love to have Wolverine pop some bone claw, if you know what I mean. PLUS, totally AWESOME hologram cover, this is the BEST kind of cover you can think of.

2. Codename: Stryke Force #1

Dude's got THREE ROBOT ARMS so he can hold TWICE as many guns as anyone else, even the Punisher. DON'T make the same mistake I did and get it mixed up with THIS:

NOT the same thing.

3. Lady Death #1

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES, this is the one that started it ALL. Action #1, Detective #27, Amazing Fantasy #15 - this is right up there, and you can probably get it for a steal now that the speculators have left. Plus, there's something about that gooey sword she's holding, I can't quite put my finger on it, but maybe SHE can, if you follow my meaning.

4. Marvel Swimsuit Issues ALL OF THEM

I couldn't find any good photos on line and my scanner is under some bags of Chee-Tos but LET ME TELL YOU these are absolutely essential, a cornerstone of any collection. For years, people had had to find ways to put unobtrusive bookmarks on all the Marc Silvestri and Jim Lee X-Men books where all the pics of HOT LADIEZZZ were on. Finally that was unecessary, because Marvel finally figured out what we REALLY want from their hottt SUPER-HEROINES - that they be as close to naked as possible, the better to facilitate jackin' it. The ONLY problem is that you'll probably have to put masking tape over the pictures of the DUDES that they stuck in for God knows what reason. Is this like equal time for Teh Phaghs? They can spank it to Alpha Flight. SNOOCH TO DA NOOCH!!!

5. The Protectors #5

I still don't know what this comic is about, I never bothered to read it. But it has a real, live authentic BULLET HOLE right through the center of it, right out of that dude's bloody torso. I remember buying this comic at a spinner rack in the grocery store, where it was put right next to Archie and DOnald DUck - I knew even back then how lucky I was to live in a world that could produce such beauty.

6. ROM #1

U NO ITTT!!!! This is IT! This is FIRE! This shit is like LIL WAYNE, TI and HOVA wrapped into one AWESOME BURRITO and put down on the muthaphuckin grill. Only thing that could make ROM better? If it had never been canceled, then ROB LIEFELD could have started his career on ROM instead of Gay Mutants.

7. Preacher #5

Not only does this comic have a man getting his face ripped off - which alone would put it on the list of comics every comics aficionado and scholar NEEDS to have, but it centers around a PRAWN mag called ANAL RAMPAGE. NEED I SAY MORE? Frank Zappa knows I do not.

8. Punisher War Journal #6

When you think about it, all they needed to do was put PUNISHER GUEST STARRING WOLVERINE on the cover and they might as well have been printing up $100 bills. It doesn't hurt that the story is MEGA WIKKKID like Tera Patrick if you get my drift, homeslice. Straight up in terms of artistic merit and aside from historical significance, you'd have a hard time arguing this wasn't the best comic on the list.


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