Thursday, February 09, 2006

The Hurting's Weekly Out-Of-Context Mark Trail Panel

For the Week of 02/08/06

OK, we've been doing the Out-Of-Context Mark Trail panels for a while now - a little over a year - and I think everyone knows the drill. I take the weirdest Trail panel in any given week, spotlight it, make a pithy comment. Yadda yadda. The whole enterprise hinges on the fact thatMark Trail, despite being ostensibly about the adventures of a gruff he-man forest ranger dude, is quite possibly the most boring strip on the newspaper pages, failing even to surpass the tepid likes of Apt 3-G or -- shudder -- Judge Parker. Hell, even Judge Parker had the whole "Work It Like A Claw And Call Me Randy" thing going on - the best Trail gets is weird talking animals, and let's face it, you can only see so many sea turtles spouting incongruous dialogue before the concept wears thin.

But somehow, the recent Ozark dog-napping storyline seems to have rekindled some kind of crazy fire in Elrod's belly. Seeing serious violence break out in the pages of Mark Trail is somewhat akin to seeing your beloved grandmother smoking heroin out of an iguana's skull (I like the image so much I used it twice), but I would be lying if I said it wasn't fun. In fact, I dare say - seeing Mark and Andy bust out and wreak terrible havoc on their captors is positively . . . Airwolf!

Just... wow.

(Holy shit. Not only does Mark actually command Andy to fight a giant alligator, Andy actually does it.)

(OK, I've owned rottweilers, and I've seen some pretty fierce dog fights - I've got a scar on my chest from the time I was stupid enough to get between a rottweiler and a great dane - so I am not one to underestimate the courage or machismo of a dog. But still - tackling an alligator like that, and also knowing well enough to stay away from its jaws - that's simply amazing. I think Andy is probably well-qualified to leave Mark Trail and join the New Avengers now. At the very least - and with apologizes to my homie Dave - Andy's incredible bravery deserves a hearty F*@% YEAH!!! )

Don't mess with Mark. All he needs is a pointy stick to ruin your day.

(OK, everyone who's ever mocked Mark Trail, myself including, needs to back the fuck off and bow before the awesome might of a man who can hold an alligator at bay with a stick. It may seem foolhardy, but that's just how he rolls. And notice Andy survived his battle without so much as a scratch? That's hard-core.)

It's like the last half-hour of 'Predator'

(Notice that all it takes is a little violence and Mark is back in Nam again? I hope he remembers he doesn't need to kill the swamp folk... although, actually, if Mark went into full-on flashback mode and just started chopping their ears off to make a necklace that would probably be fun as well.)

One to the head / Bang, you're dead.

(You know that scene in Casino where Joe Pesci gets it in the back of the head and is then dumped in a shallow grave out in the cornfields? That's kind of what I'm envisioning for the next week of Mark Trail.)

For the Week of 02/01/06For the Week of 01/25/06
For the Week of 01/18/06 For the Week of 01/11/06 For the Week of 01/04/06
Year One

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