Thursday, June 24, 2004


Note: The following column has been subcontracted to a somber black-haired post-punker

So, eh, wot's this then? 'Ere I was about to sit down to a nice cuppa and some chap calls me up and says: "See 'ere, Robert, would you mind doing me a terribly awkward favor now and filling in on me comic book blog?" And sure as I said "yes'n" 'e was orf the line doin' a jig or sumpin', I’m sure.

Only problem is, see, I don' know much about these 'ere comical books, least not wot you Yanks is used to. 'Ere on the Islands we read good proper boys comics, like Beano.

Now that’s a right cracking good comical book, guv'ner! None of this "bam and pow" rot like on your bloody Yank books, although we 'ad our fair share of those bleeders as well, right right. Sent over as ballast, they were, in the 'ulls of cargo ships.

That’s 'em and all. I wonder, 'ave Oy ever been in a comical book such as 'is?

Bloody 'ell! I guess I was an' all!

Anyways, I figures to sit down and 'ave me a spot of tea while I write this 'ere blogument on the subject of comical books, so Oy’ll just put some music on in the background, like this, see . . . ah, yes, if it ain’t me favorite group, the Cure. I quite fancy the fellow wot sings for them, he’s got 'imself an 'andsome face, yes he does. 'Ets put on some Bloodflowers, 'cause someone's got to listen to that one, I say, an' it moit as 'ell be me since no one else is nickin' it, roit?

Anyways, where was we? Ah yes, me old pal Biffo:

Jolly old chap 'e was, always bumblin' into some jolly fun mischief, was 'e. Splendid fun, roit.

Now, I do say, wot since a fellow loiks bein' seen in makeup an' frizzy 'air, everyone sees fit to call 'im a ponce! Now, see how, chaps, but that's not quite roit. It's a sartororial choice, it is, an' I don't see your manly visage on the posters on the walls of America's yout', now do I?

Now wots this we 'ave 'ere?

'Ell, now, looks as if we’ve got us a big black chap and a pink fellow doin' some ballroom dancing, loik, "step one two" and all that rot. Looks like the pink fellow even put 'is top 'at on for the occasion, idn't dat noice?

Wot's this then? Looks like 'ere’s a cock on this here comical book cover! If 'at don’t just beat all!

It 'ould appear to be everyone’s favorite space monkey, Alf, wit' 'is very own comic book. Looks a bit dodgy, though, as 'e seems to possess three diff'rent noses in this par’ticula picture.

Now, why exactically would a ghost be partic'ulaloy 'appy? It boggles the moind, it surely does. I mean, if I was a ghost, why Oy’d be dead now wouldn’t Oy? It seems to stand to reason that Oy would be if Oy was, which I aint’ but if Oy was it would not be too much call for chipper cheer now, would it? I doubt I’d be right down to the pub for a pint and a silk cut, now would Oy? Oy’d probabably be pretty un'happy about the whole thing, all thigns considered.

Well, now, if it isn’t the Great American Pastime itself, wot it is, but baseball. Ain’t a notch on the bum to cricket, sad to say, but that’s just the way of it now, idn’t it?

Mmmm. I do loik me a nice spot of tea, some Earl Gray really quenches the spot, now but it does.

But bloody 'ell, it looks to me loik a comic telling the wee young lads that takin' drugs is the way to be. Well, now, let me tell you it ain’t, an' all, that’s just the way of it now.

So don’t be lookin' at dis 'ere comical pamphlet and sayin' "bloody ’ell, but it looks loik methampetatatamoines is cert’unlly the way to be goin’ now." That’s sure’n not the way to be gettin’ along in loif. Take it from me, Robert Smit’ o’ the Cure – Drugs is bad.

Well now, if that don’t appear to be nuffink else than moy smilin’ vis’age on the cover of this here comical magazine. Oy wonder how they did that. Ain’t I gots a lawyer no more?

As Oy ’ave been known to observe, boys don’t croy – but seein’ my likeness nicked by some barmy comical book manufacturarers makes moy blood boil suffink black, I tell you!

Well, but I guess this her blogomat is over and all, seein’ as I ’ave been mortally offended and all. But remember, now, buy lots of Cure CDs, wot wot?

Tip top tally ho, young chaps an’ chappettes!

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